From a thick cloud to a heaven of clearness

When we are buried in our daily routines, handling one issue after another, our vision often becomes blurry to the Lord. We are hemmed in by the details of improving things and getting better, fighting for ourselves. But recently I had the opportunity to revisit my life, and out of a thick cloud of routine and self, the Lord showed me a heaven of clearness (Exo. 24:10).

This past month, I became very sick. One night, I had a fever of 105° F. At 3 a.m., I was still up and had a terrible headache and a violent cough. The health app on my watch started sending me notifications: my heart was beating over 130 bpm while I lay in bed. In a feverish moment of distress, I thought, “Can I make it to the morning?” I told the Lord, “I am sorry, Lord, save me and have mercy.” As I closed my eyes, I began to recall my life with the Lord as if I were standing on the sidelines looking on: from how I was born to how my parents raised me to how I went to school, all the way to the present day where I am married, have two children, and am in the church life. I saw the moments I was complicated, the moments I was mediocre, the moments I was selfish, ambitious, and striving. The Lord showed me how, at many points in my life, I would not be here with Him if it weren’t for His miracles and hand on me. Despite this, even after believing in the Lord, I still held on to many of my own desires and had many “cases” I wanted the Lord to vindicate for me. Looking at them now, I saw also how those struggles bound me — how small, how selfish I have been. 

Like the children of Israel in Exodus, even after they went through all the process of seeing the world exposed, went through the passover, crossed the Red Sea, experienced the bitter water at Marah, were refreshed at the 12 springs of water and 70 palm trees in Elim, and defeated the Amalekites, they still didn’t know who they were and who the Lord was. When the Lord asked them to hear the law and told them that they were His people, His personal treasure, His kingdom of priests, they were trembling and could not see Him through a “thick cloud” (19:16). The children of Israel were indeed clouded, bounded by their small desires and blind to the Lord’s calling: they couldn’t understand the process they had gone through and they didn’t know who they were to God and who God was to them. All they saw was thunder and lightning. In that moment in bed in the dark of night, I thought, “Isn’t this just like me?”

When I awoke again, I found that I was drenched in sweat; my robes were soaked, the bed sheets and pillow were wet. Then, I realized my fever had broken, my headache had gone, and I felt alive. I was refreshed; I saw things with new clarity. Lord, all those years my own struggles didn’t help me grow in life, and even my efforts trying to be “spiritual” were all barriers preventing me from reaching You, my Source, my Shepherd, and the Author of my life. What had caused all my sickness — my painful trying and struggle — I surrender now to You. You accomplished everything, giving me a new and living way to enter into a life of mutual dwelling with You (Heb. 10:20).

This time I see who I am: a complicated and selfish little woman. I was blind, hemmed in by a thick cloud, but through Your shining, I became clear. From my mother’s womb, You set me apart to be among Your people — Your personal treasure — for building Your dwelling place (Gal. 1:15, Deut. 7:6). I have since left the world far, far behind me. And You led me to higher ground, brought me up and out of the thick clouds of the self to see a clear vision of Your household, a paved work of sapphire, the builded church. All my life has been for this transformation process. Lord, continue to transform my opaque and cloudy being into clear and transparent material for Your building, this place where You can find Your rest with Your people.

– CC